I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
