sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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