My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
