you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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