My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
