If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
