I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
