I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
