You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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