Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Can I color on your dick again?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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