my soul wont recognize me after tonight
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
foreskin is a definite game changer
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
