genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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