I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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