For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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