is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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