i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
