I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
