yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I just threw up on my dentist
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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