I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
