Screwed.edu
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
