Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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