Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
