i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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