Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
