there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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