Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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