he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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