i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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