i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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