just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
