My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
