It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
