If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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