I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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