Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
