I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Say something about gay babies.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
