I'm sorry my penis didn't work
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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