and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
my shit smells like andre
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
