Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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