I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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