You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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