we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
