I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
