I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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