Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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