I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
