Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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