i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
