so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
