I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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