Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
please come you make the beer taste better
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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