I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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