i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
