i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
