I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
