I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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