ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Randomize
