Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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