Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
