New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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