i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
