If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
